So now what?
Oh HI GUYS! Been a bit quiet round this little corner of the web hasn’t it? Well, apolz for that but woah mama, I been BUSY AS TITS MATE.
The last month has been the craaaaaziest one I can recall in forever- I’ve been working my full time job which is super busy at the moment, putting in Saturdays and Sundays to stage a full scale musical for my lovely theatre academy, and to top it all off, moving house too! Things are starting to slow down a little bit now, so I thought I’d sling an update down- might be a bit rambley- sorry in advance.
So yeah, as I said work is CRAAAAAZY busy at the moment- lots of change is happening, projects are kicking off left, right and centre and we’ve had a few super important events on recently too. All exciting, all hard work. Outside of my Monday-Friday life, I have hung up my hat as a drama teacher with my wonderful A*Stars Theatre Academy. This was such a wrench and such a difficult decision to make, but now that I’m working full-time, I’ve just realised how much I need my weekends back. It’s been the most incredible 5 years of working with the funniest, brightest, sweetest, spunkiest kids and I’m so proud of everything I achieved with them.
And I’ve moved house! That’s right, I am now a fully fledged South of the River (gulp) dweller. AND IT’S THE FIRST TIME I’VE EVER LIVED WITH A BOYFRIEND WAHHH! Luckily, he’s an absolute dreamboat and we are so so in love with our new digs. We have massively lucked out and found a gorgey little 2 bed house in Crystal Palace, complete with a garden. Do I sound smug? Yeah, I am a bit to be honest, but it truly is so pretty and I am really loving making it into a happy little NOOK for us.
Life has changed so much for me in the last couple of years. When I looked at the areas of my life that weren’t bringing me much joy, I was feeling rather glum about everything- I was tired of being single, I was living with my parents, I was frustrated and a bit despondent about my career. So, I changed it. I was brave and took big leaps, made big decisions and so far, I’m pretty sure it’s paid off. I have a job I really enjoy, a happy new space that belongs to me (I mean, we’re renting, but you know what I mean) and continue to be head over heels in love, in a wonderful and healthy relationship.
Each thing has felt like I’m ticking stuff off a list, i.e not happy in your career? Okay, leave it and do something else. TICK. Find a new job. TICK. Don’t get fired within your first 3 months. TICK (phew). But now? I feel like I’m finally, sort of at the end of that list. I’ve done the things I wanted to and changed the main areas of my life that were getting me down. HOORAY!
But like…now what?
What do I do now I’ve done those things? I have to admit, I do really struggle to live in the here and now, and to feel content and happy. A millennial curse? Or the predisposition of an anxiety sufferer? Both perhaps.
My mental health has been suffering a bit again in the last couple of weeks- so much so I actually had to take a day off work to deal with it- and I have been trying to figure out why. I always do struggle more when I’m tired, and have a billion things on the go, and don’t have any quiet time off just to myself- and I’m sure that is a part of what’s been going on, but not the whole thing.
Things have changed so much that I think I haven’t really digested things yet. Especially the career stuff. Saying farewell to professional performing was a big decision, and one which I don’t regret, but there are certain things about it I do miss. I miss the confidence I had in my own abilities. I miss bits of the flexibility. I miss the actual, physical sensation of singing in my body. Perhaps I need to ‘mourn’ that a bit now that the dust has settled, and I’m successfully doing something else? A friend of mine sent me a photo the other day which brought me to tears. She was in Edinburgh and the Fringe was being set up all around her. She walked past the venue I performed my show in last year as they were setting up the huge wooden boards that display posters of the shows that are on, and they still had last years posters on them:
This picture was like a slap- suddenly I was engulfed in a tangle of emotions, nostalgia, loss, sadness, swirled in with happy memories, pride and a sense of bittersweet achievement. Seeing others who were performing their shows alongside me heading up for this years Fringe all over my social media feed has been really hard, especially as this is the first year in 11 years I won’t be heading up there at all. It really shocked me how bummed out I felt about seeing that ripped posted of my face.
Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to go back to performing professionally- my sense of worth and wellbeing has been increased tenfold since saying goodbye- so what does that reaction mean?
I’m still not 100% sure what the answer is to be honest, but after a little bit of soul-searching, I think it comes down to not having a ‘project’. My creativity feels a bit…flaccid (sorry for saying flaccid) at the moment. And having been so focused on putting those big decisions into action and seeing them through, I haven’t really noticed. And suddenly, I’ve been slapped into noticing it- I’m not really reading anything, I’ve not been blogging on the reg, I’m not writing, I’m not singing…etc etc.
So, what to do about it? Well, I’m going to take a little bit of time to properly enjoy my new space and myself in it. I’d like to make an effort to do more mindfulness practice, do some living room yoga, grow some things in my garden and get into a routine of meal planning and cooking. Then, I suspect I’ll feel a little more creatively fertile to begin a new project.
And what will it be?! WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. Maybe I’ll learn how to actually use my camera and photoshop properly. Or I’ll write the series of kids books I have knocking around my head. Or I’ll join a choir. I guess the joy is in not knowing- but that having my big decisions in place, I have the freedom to find out.
One of the things I DO want to do however, is to get back my blogging mojo. I’ve got some ideas for new posts and bits and bobs and hopefully I’ll be motivated to instigate them soon. SO Thanks for sticking with this one if you made it this far- I appreciate it’s a bit jumbly and probably a bit self indulgent but it helps my head SO much to write my tangled thoughts on here!
LOVE YOU BYE SEE YOU SOON