Humour

Girl Myths Destroyed

Apparently us gals can be a mysterious breed and I’m all about sharing the wealth of knowledge. So, here’s a few answers to some burning questions posed by chaps I’m pals with, about us humans traditionally known as the ‘fairer sex’ (although if the person who’d coined that phrase saw a current picture of Matthew Lewis, it would probably be the other way round).

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just for a treat here IS a recent picture of Matthew Lewis

1. Why do girls take so long to get ready?

Right, I mean, have you seen the shit we have to deal with in this department? Negotiating false eyelashes can be a half hour job in itself (srsly, cosmetic industry please hurry up and invent some that are easy to put on. They look greaaaat but I always end up hitting the town with my hands looking like I’ve just stepped out of Reception Class after a heavy duty PVA glue session).
K, secondly, if you’ve ever tried getting into a pair of Spanx,  you will know that it takes time, commitment and effort. Often it’s a two-person job. (p.s thanks to everyone who I’ve ever commandeered at parties to help yank up my spanx discreetly in a corner. You know who you are <3.) Then of course, you’ve got heated hair appliances, velcro rollers, hair removal, the whole cleanse-tone-moisturise holy trinity, applying enough make-up to look like you haven’t really got any on and that’s even before you’ve chosen an outfit.

In short guys, I mean, if I could whack on a Ben Sherman and give myself a spritz of Lynx Africa and still march out of the door confident of getting a shag, I’d do it.

2. Why do girls go to the loo in pairs?

Because when Hermione Granger went to the loo by herself she got in a bit of a pickle with a troll, and when Katie Bell did it she got knocked out by a cursed necklace. LESSONS LEARNED.

Weird, given that years later, Emma Watson would give a brilliant speech about feminism and get attacked by online trolls too.

Weird, given that years later, Emma Watson would give a brilliant speech about feminism and get attacked by the online trolls too.

3. Why do girls make this face when they’re putting on mascara?

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In theory it stretches out your eyes so you can wave the magic wand of eyelashes cleanly over your peepers. But in real actual life, I’ve never seen anyone do this. It makes you look like a massive bellend.

4. Why do girls drink wine and not pints?

Well, to be honest, the best girls I know drink both. And a range of spirits. And even a WKD on occasion. Heck, the women I knock about with would suck Creme de Menthe out of a sock if it was the only drink on offer. Once I was on a date with a chap who ranted at me for a good five minutes about why, in his opinion, girls shouldn’t drink pints. Among his reasoning was because us females have small hands, because beer is for boys and because “it just doesn’t look right”. I then ordered a pint of Boddingtons just to spite him. Look, not only is beer DELICIOUS but also you get way more for your money in a pint than you do with a cocktail. And cocktails taste like Um Bongo so I drink them in about two seconds. Times is ‘ard. Economically sound, and tastebuds rejoice. Hooray for pints.

Here's me, a girl, enjoying a pint on occasion

Here’s me, a female, (guest appearance from my bra-strap), enjoying a pint on some occasions. One of which is at Ascot on Race Day. Of course.

5. Why are blonde girls traditionally a bit stupid?

Hahahahahahahahaha. Blonde girls aren’t stupid. Dolly Parton is a blonde and is a super savvy business woman and she’s fucking LOADED. Only stupid people are stupid and it has nothing to do with which shade of Clairol Nice and Easy you shove on your bonce.

6. Why are girls desperate to get married?

We’re not. I mean, yeahhhh, one day, at some point in my life, I personally would like to get married. In the same way that one day, at some point in my life, I personally would like to own a pug, buy a house (HA), visit New York and open my pie and mash shop called ‘Nobody Puts Gravy in the Corner’, but none of those things are on my IMMEDIATE to-do list. Not in the same way as buy gin, sort out my tax return and decide what I’m wearing on Friday night are. Girls aren’t ALL desperate to get married, everyone just thinks we SHOULD be once we hit a ‘certain age’. To be honest, right now, I’d be happy with a shag and a bag of Monster Munch.

7. Why don’t girls watch porn/wank?

We do. Trust me. I know a lot of women.

8. Why do girls love scatter cushions and scented candles?

Scatter cushions are squashy and comfy and if  you live in rented accommodation (which, let’s be honest, 99% of people my age do because HOUSING MARKET) they make cheap Ikea sofa beds a little bit better. Plus, if  you have ever lived with four boys you will understand the need for scented candles. So much eye candy yet so much beard hair in the sink (p.s miss you Jack/Mat/Dave/Tristan <3).

9. Why can’t girls pack lightly?

See number 1.

10. Why do girls always go for the bad-boy?

Because

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Just me?

Just me?

11. Why do girls dress up all slutty for Halloween?

Because

photo (16)

 

And finally:

12. Why do all girls know the dance routines to a) ‘Saturday Night’ by Whigfield b) ‘Macarena’ by Los Del Rio and c) ‘Tragedy’ by Steps?

It’s a superpower we’re born with. Like boobs.

Hope that’s cleared a few bits and bobs up.

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