Humour

The Commandments of Adulthood

AND THE LORD TWENTYSOMETHING SPOKE UNTO THE MASSES, “THOU SHALT BE AN ADULT WHEN THOU ABIDEST BY THESE COMMANDMENTS.”

  • Thou shalt know the precise location of thine counterpart driving licence.
  • Thine medicine cabinet containeth more than just a box of Disney princess plasters and four half empty tubes of Berocca.

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  • Thou knowest how to fold a fitted sheet without having to look it up on YouTube.
  • Thou maketh an ‘oof’ sound when thou sitteth downeth.
  • Thou shalt no longer be plagued by repeated bleats of ‘UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA’ when thou attempts to use the the self-scanners.

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  • Thou stops carrying around an emergency gin-in-a-tin in thine bag.
  • Thou understands and appreciates why pou pourri exists.
  • Thou getteth a minge twinge over the price of a half price leg of lamb in Sainsburys.
  • Thou uses thine carefully harvested Nectar and Boots Advantage points at Christmas to buy thoughtful gifts for people rather than spunking them on posh gin and eyeliner.
  • Thou stops giggling at ‘Cockfosters’.
  • Thou buys lightbulbs before thou spendeth weeks living in darkness. Thou also knoweth which lighbulbs to buy without having to take pictures of them on thine iPhone.
  • Thou can locate the lids of all thine tupperware. And henceforth, tupperware shall be renamed ‘tupperWHERE-IS-THE-BUGGERING-LID’
  • Thou listeneth to ‘The Archers’.
  • Thou shalt not buy new ‘bags for life’ every time thy go to the supermarket because thou always forgetteth. Literally have a whole population of immortal bags in my cupboard.
  • Thou realiseth that IKEA is but the pipe dream of a supernoodle-supping-student- Habitat is now thine porn.
  • Thou shalt no longer eat cereal for dinner just because thou cannot be arseth to cook.
  • Thou shalt crave a National Trust membership.
  • Thou shalt do regular whites washing loads instead of bulk buying Febreze.
  • Thou shalt not shave thine legs twenty minutes before thou goest out in the sink whilst hitching up your dress.
  • Thou shalt not call thine Mum to check how  to defrost sausages.

Only then shall ye truly be a grown-up.

(Dunno about you but it’s sure as tits gonna take me a few years *cracks open emergency gin-in-a-tin*. SLURP. Cheers chums!)

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4 Comments

  1. The Demon Gin

    March 26, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Very true. Lightbulbs especially.
    And I have just started writing about my millions of bags for life as well – I’m convinced they climb out of the cupboard at night, and plot.

    1. bloodyhellbrennan

      March 26, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      they are going to lead a revolution and take over the world, I’m sure of it.

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