The Commandments of Adulthood
AND THE LORD TWENTYSOMETHING SPOKE UNTO THE MASSES, “THOU SHALT BE AN ADULT WHEN THOU ABIDEST BY THESE COMMANDMENTS.”
- Thou shalt know the precise location of thine counterpart driving licence.
- Thine medicine cabinet containeth more than just a box of Disney princess plasters and four half empty tubes of Berocca.
- Thou knowest how to fold a fitted sheet without having to look it up on YouTube.
- Thou maketh an ‘oof’ sound when thou sitteth downeth.
- Thou shalt no longer be plagued by repeated bleats of ‘UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA’ when thou attempts to use the the self-scanners.
- Thou stops carrying around an emergency gin-in-a-tin in thine bag.
- Thou understands and appreciates why pou pourri exists.
- Thou getteth a minge twinge over the price of a half price leg of lamb in Sainsburys.
- Thou uses thine carefully harvested Nectar and Boots Advantage points at Christmas to buy thoughtful gifts for people rather than spunking them on posh gin and eyeliner.
- Thou stops giggling at ‘Cockfosters’.
- Thou buys lightbulbs before thou spendeth weeks living in darkness. Thou also knoweth which lighbulbs to buy without having to take pictures of them on thine iPhone.
- Thou can locate the lids of all thine tupperware. And henceforth, tupperware shall be renamed ‘tupperWHERE-IS-THE-BUGGERING-LID’
- Thou listeneth to ‘The Archers’.
- Thou shalt not buy new ‘bags for life’ every time thy go to the supermarket because thou always forgetteth. Literally have a whole population of immortal bags in my cupboard.
- Thou realiseth that IKEA is but the pipe dream of a supernoodle-supping-student- Habitat is now thine porn.
- Thou shalt no longer eat cereal for dinner just because thou cannot be arseth to cook.
- Thou shalt crave a National Trust membership.
- Thou shalt do regular whites washing loads instead of bulk buying Febreze.
- Thou shalt not shave thine legs twenty minutes before thou goest out in the sink whilst hitching up your dress.
- Thou shalt not call thine Mum to check how to defrost sausages.
Only then shall ye truly be a grown-up.
(Dunno about you but it’s sure as tits gonna take me a few years *cracks open emergency gin-in-a-tin*. SLURP. Cheers chums!)