If I was Queen of the World
Some days I dream about what I would do if I was the Queen of the World.
When I am Queen of the World the following rules will apply.
- Libraries will reopen and get a shit-tonne of funding to re-inject the world with the importance and the joy of reading. They will have bars in them for the grown-ups to host local book clubs and poetry slams and a kids bar in the kids area stocked with Ribena and marmite.
- Each different London underground line will be recorded in a different accent. Geordie on the Piccadilly, Welsh on the District, Heightened RP on the Jubilee line, Leeds on the Northern line.
- Air conditioning will also be installed on the tube. No-one should have to involuntarily smell another human’s upper lip bead-on before 10am.
- Wars will only be allowed to be fought with pillows and french bread. Killing other people is well chumpy.
- There will be different gyms according to which clothes size you take. Because, listen to me you size 6 treadmill baroness, YOUR WORK HERE IS DONE GO HOME AND HAVE A CRUMPET AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY HIPS.
- Any pie that claims to be a pie but is actually just a bowl of stew with a puffy lid masquerading as a pie will be banned. No-one wants a puffy lid. Get your puffy lid out of my face and get me a big fat-bottomed short-crust girl. (Don’t even get me started on ‘pies’ that have mashed potato as a lid.)
- All the insides of loo and kitchen rolls will be collected up and once a year they will be used to make a huge marble run down the Southbank.
- Kings Cross will be changed to Queens Happy.
- Phones will be able to detect drunkenness and will automatically block any numbers to old flames.
- The National Curriculum will be changed to incorporate the following things that will actually be useful in life: tax returns, how to get the timings right on a roast dinner and how to fold a fitted sheet. More info about this proposed curriculum here.
- Gap years will be mandatory. They sort out the people who actually want to go to university because they want to go to university, and the people who go to university because they don’t know what else to do and their school pushes for ‘University Leavers Statistics’.
- The film ‘Burlesque’ will be honoured for all the Oscars it should have won. Injustice at its highest. FEEL THE EMOTION OF THIS:
- Single people have the right to lamp anyone that says to them “It will happen when you least expect it!” or ask “How’s your love life?” Stop doing that to us.
- The week will be restructured. We’re gonna get rid of Monday and Tuesday because they are dickheads and no-one likes them. Working days: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Weekend: Saturday, Sunday. Rinse, lather, repeat.
- It will be illegal to drink Red Bull before midday. I never trust people I see doing that.
- As well as being made to take part in sports day at school, kids will also have to take part in an Arts Day, to help teach them that the arts are as important as all other areas of education. And to hopefully kurb some of the competition between the Netball Jocks and the Chamber Choir Nerds. You may have a cracking chest pass lady, but can you sight-sing the 2nd alto line of an olde english madrigal? Who’s the loser now eh?!
- Get rid of internet sites that demand you make a password containing ALL the following things: a mixture of upper and lower case, a number, a symbol, a fingerprint, a hieroglyphic and a swab from your latest smear test.
- Once a month the council will host a series of street parties so that people get to know their neighbours better. Bunting and party rings = comradery.
- The National Anthem will be changed to something more cheerful, and infinitely bouncier like the Blue Peter or The Archers theme tune.
- Will Smith will be made my president. Because he’s the biggest dude. Ken Robinson will be Secretary of State for Education Minister, Stephen Fry for Culture and Media, Jack Bauer for Home Secretary, and I will instigate the Ministry of LOL to keep the nation grinning with Caitlin Moran heading up that department.
- On a Friday afternoon, free gin-in-a-tins will be handed out to commuters at tube stations as a bloody big well done for getting through the week and a sharpener for the oncoming weekend. SLURP.
- The months will be renamed as such: Dietuary, Loveuary, Spring, Chocolate, Gay, Busting-Outuary, JooLye, Edinburgh, Back2Schoolember, Pumpkinber, Yesvember, Glitterember.
Really hoping to be crowned Queen of the World soon guys, you’ll all be invited to the Coronation. There’ll be a gin bar, and I’m hoping to book Cher as the entertainment. Dress code: Strictly Come Dancing. My crown will look like this:
Have a fucking good week everybody.